Not Neglecting Wife & Family in the Midst of Command (Part 2)

We must make sure our priorities are realistic. I think this is another problem area that many, many people have. I appreciate the requirement to list your priorities, and start with number one. I have only one basic disagreement with that. During a discussion with some of our young men and women from church about the idea of establishing priorities, it came out loud and clear that if you put an item on your priority list you better make time for it. It becomes very easy to say, "Well I'm taking care of the important things first." As was pointed out in an earlier article the number three priority in the author's life took up the biggest bulk of his time. And that was his personal involvement with his profession.

So you would say, in taking them in a one, two, three order, that you would have to deal with number one, then two, then three. Yet three takes up the biggest period of time. That may well be, but if you've got a number seven on the list, the only way to be an effective manager is to make time for number seven. Then you insure that what time you've set aside for number seven is as sacred as that allotted to number one. If you don't, than your priority list doesn't really mean anything.

The family fits in that kind of situation. We can say our family is number two, behind the Lord, but if we don't ensure this is represented by quality family time, make time for it, and stick with it, the family starts to suspect, "Hey, we're not really number two." It doesn't take very long before they say, "Dad thinks very little about me."

One of the things we did as soon as I had an inkling, in Vietnam, that I was being considered for a command, was to start haunting the libraries, writing the Chamber of Commerce and everybody else we could to find out: What's this command going to be like? How big is my staff? Who is there? What's my mission? What are the living conditions like? By the time we had received our orders, Carol and I had a file on Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, that was about two inches thick. It turned out that we knew more about the history of the valley than some of the third-generation families that had never been 50 miles out of the valley!

We really were excited about taking over a command and finding out what it was all about. In order for me to meet my goals, I'd discovered what the mission was. I'd already lined out a plan of attack, and milestones, and I was ready to walk into this thing as a big chance. We had a good command tour. I found out some exciting, interesting things about people that I didn't know. I saw a whole different concept of managing people. I had a lot of fun I had a good crew. I got all of them promoted, and I must have done all the right things.

I got to thinking about this when I went through the evaluation stage of my command tour. I was supposed to write up a notebook, and it hit me, "I've been a father at this point for 19 years, I've been a husband for 22, and I don't know the first thing about my permanent command." I was really shocked at how little I knew about my own organization. I'd never established any realistic training goals for my children. We had family devotions hit and miss. We taught the kids the Bible stories, and we read them the Narnia Series and we did all the things Christian parents are supposed to do. We took them to Sunday School. I taught Sunday School in their classes. We read to them before bed and did all the little things like that.

But as an organization, we were a disaster -- a total disaster. I had no idea what some of Carol's objectives in life were. I know I hadn't shared any of my plans and objections with her. The only common thing that we had properly planned to do in 20 years of marriage was the plan to go to Wilkes-Barre. I was really shocked about that when I realized it.

My wife is a very strong Christian, so I had confidence that she would raise the children. I never came back, however, and evaluated her performance, which I think is a husband's responsibility. I never helped her out. I never helped by giving her some of the guidance that was necessary. Many times I could see how she was doing because I was coming back to the family situation as an outsider. I was in a position to give her a hand, but my response was, "you've got it," and I left her alone with that responsibility.

A plan for our spiritual growth was really never formulated. Even to this day it probably won't pass a basic-school instructors' test for a good plan. The calluses that have grown, because of neglect on both of our parts, are pretty hard to shave off. We've got to do a lot of rubbing to make some of these neglected areas come back together.

Neither one of us did all of the professional things that we've been taught about planning, preparing and managing an organization. Consequently, our family continued to percolate along, blessed by the Lord, blessed by the things we did do. But they weren't organized. They weren't planned so that we got the most effective use of the time available to the family. Now our kids are dynamic and demanding enough that most times you couldn't put them off. That helped a great deal, as far as formulating some of the solutions and avoiding some of the problems we had. The command tour was probably the biggest help for me, because I realized that I had acted successfully in one command, but I hadn't translated any of those policies into my permanent command..

In conclusion, here are some of the principles that I think are necessary for us to employ as military officers, in those areas where they have the largest impact.

The primary principle for any military leader is: don't cut your family off from those high and low experiences in your life. When you do, you are saying to them "I don't trust you, I don't love you, and I don't want you to be a part of my life." The family will be quick to sense this.

Second, you must negotiate with your wife those areas that have to be covered for a proper functioning of the family. One such area is finances. For example, in our family, Carol does not like to be involved with the finances and handling the checkbook. For most all of our married life, I have taken care of writing all the checks and handling finances. There are certain things that I don't like to do, however, that she is willing to do. For example, I dislike a telephone. People will call me rude and obnoxious because I will not sit down and talk to people on the phone. Carol makes the phone calls. She doesn't mind it, but I do. These are the areas we've had to work out.

Defining limits of responsibilities for one another is another subject for negotiation. What should you do, what should I do? Where does this match of responsibilities as man and wife come together? It's important to know.

What sources of assistance are available. One of the things we need to do is tell our wives and to help them organize ways in which the things you normally do can be taken care of when you are absent. Make arrangements, for example, with a local gas station and say, "If anything goes wrong with the family car, here is my credit card number (it's got to be somebody you can trust), go pick the clunker up and fix it. I don't want my wife to have that responsibility." Make a list of all the repair men, with office phone numbers. Then tell her, "Honey if this goes wrong don't mess with it, get them to fix it." She'll love you for it.

The rules for discipling a family. This is an area that I think we often times don't discuss properly. I know a couple of times when Carol had looked at an area and thought the kids ought to be able to do this. Then I, for different reasons, would come home and cause consternation because, without discussing it with her, I would tell the children, "No."

Their response would be, "But Mom..."

At that point I was not listening, but rather looking for the cheery "Aye, Aye," so I said, "No, never mind, this is the way it's going to be."

Very soon here was Carol, fighting mad, "You told the kids they couldn't do that?"

"Yes."

"Well for six months they could." So then we'd have a problem. But, if it had been set up clearly in advance there would have been no problem.

The chain of command. Let it be known, just as we do in the services, who has the responsibility. The deck of a ship underway is never without someone acknowledged as being in charge. When you come up in deck for a watch you get yourself acquainted and you tell the officer-of-the-deck, "I relieve you, sir." It is said loud enough so the entire watch section knows about it, and the quartermaster writes it in the notebook. If there is any change, or any person to be held responsible its very clear who had the "conn." It is a standing rule, when the captain comes on the bridge and issues an order to the helmsman or someone else, he automatically has charge and the quartermaster notes it.

I think it's equally important that in our families we do the same thing. It's important that we understand who is responsible. You don't come up on the bridge, however, in the middle of the night, blind from the wardroom lights, a cup of coffee in hand and say, "I relieve you." You take time to get your eyes accustomed, find out who is about you, what possibly you can run aground on, because it's well known that a collision or grounding can ruin your whole day, not to mention your career. We need to have the same sensitivity when there is a change in command of our families.

Priorities for the families. We talk about quality priorities for the family, and I'd like to tell you a story. My family is holding my I.O.U., and they haven't let me forget. At least 13 years ago, we took a trip up the West coast. During that trip we went down to the Oregon Caves, near Grant's Pass, Oregon. We talked about the caves. The kids had heard about them in school. We were going to visit there as a family. We'd been talking about this trip for over two days. When we arrived there, no children under six were permitted in the cave. Talk about a negotiation problem! Three girls, all over six, with a little brother who they weren't too keen about having along anyway, because he was a big problem to them in their minds it was an opportunity to leave him behind. How did we handle this? Well we had quite a negotiation session in the car. Finally the kids, bless their sweet hearts, taught Carolyn and me a precious lesson. They decided, "We'll come again when Dean can go."

That was 13 years ago. "Hey, Pop, when are we going to go to the Oregon Caves?" (I've already picked up a son-in-law.) We've made a priority, and so help me one of these days I really pray that we will all get back to the West Coast at the same time. If we can get enough cars for the whole load, I want to get out and see the Oregon Caves.

I think that it's important that we remember when we make promises to the children. When we set priorities, we must carry them out. That goes back to that earlier point, when you plan something, make time for it.

Last of all, the "Plan of Action" and "Milestones" for a family. Take time to discuss a cradle-to-grave plan. This encompasses who to marry, how to spend eternity and all the points in between. I remember one time hearing a fellow talking on this subject. He said, "The second most important thing a person does in life is get married, so you ought to be praying right now about who you're going to marry." I think we need to get that kind of a total coverage in out family planning. We need to discuss these things not in a formal, organized manner, but in a casual, understanding way. Look for that growing edge. If there is anything that's helped Carol and me in the last five or six years, it is watching where our kids are growing. Grab onto that edge where they are growing. You'll find that they are excited and they'll go right along with the idea and will take off on their own.

About the Author:

Captain Charles R. Piersee became an Officers Christian Fellowship (OCF) member in 1958. He has served as Operations and Navigation Officer of the USS Taluga, as Gunnery Officer of the USS Whetstone and as Assistant Logistics Officer, 7th Fleet Commander's Staff. Chuck has had four command assignments: as Commanding Officer, Naval Reserve Center, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania; as Commanding Officer, Naval Reserve Center, Avoca, Pennsylvania; as Deputy Commander, Naval Reserve Readiness Command, Pacific Northwest Region and as Commander, Naval Reserve Readiness Command, Southeast Region.

He retired this year and has joined the staff of 1st Presbyterian Church, Seattle, Washington. Chuck and his wife, Carol have four children.

If you would like to know more about local Officers Christian Fellowship groups, contact OCF.

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