What Is Courtship and When Am I Ready For It?

As a church, we are blessed with a group of single adults who desire to relate to individuals of the opposite sex in pure and Godly ways. Friendships among singles is a desired and meaningful experience. Yet, for some, the process of deepening the friendship with "the one" to whom God is drawing you for potential marriage can be an understandably confusing issue. In this situation, the conscientious person can wonder about things like:

How can I express my interest in this person without being presumptuous or overly aggressive?
How do I know when I am spiritually and practically ready to consider this decision?
How can I know for sure if this is my future life partner?
How can our relationship deepen without becoming fleshly?
How can I avoid the tendency to withdraw from this person when disagreements or personality differences arise?

What, then, is courtship? Courtship is the season in which a couple "officially" and deliberately seeks confirmation concerning God's will for marriage by deepening the emotional and spiritual aspects of their friendship. It should not be entered into lightly, but with prayer and counsel; and only by those who share a serious interest in each other.

The Bible only clearly discusses relationships between men and women as either friendship, brother/sister relating, or marriage. There are only incidental references to betrothal (seeking a spouse and engagement). So contemporary Christian singles are mostly left to "walking by the Spirit" in relating to someone as you consider marriage.

We offer the following questions to those singles that desire assistance in discerning their readiness for beginning to actively pursue marriage to a particular individual. Wisely, honestly and prayerfully assessing yourself in these areas may help you to determine the timing of your courtship. These questions are based on our perception of the biblical principles involved in making such an important decision.

While it is important that all singles prayerfully investigate this issue as preparation for the future, the following questions should only be asked in a serious way when there is sincere interest in and desire to pursue a particular person.

Do I have a sense that this individual is God's choice for my life partner? (Courtship is a season in which this "sense from the Lord" will be confirmed and tested. Yet, it's important that you do not view this time as "Christian dating" or "going steady.")
Am I willing to solicit counsel concerning my readiness to enter into courtship before any discussion of it with the person in mind? (Counsel should entail character, emotional, financial and spiritual readiness.)
Am I willing to spend the majority of my time with the person I am courting in group settings where we can best get to know one another and protect ourselves from tempting situations?
Am I willing to treat this person with respect, courtesy and self - control; being careful to be led by the Spirit in the way in which we relate (especially in the area of physical contact)?
Do I understand the value and importance of soliciting the advice, input and insights of others during this season to best maximize what I can learn about myself and my potential spouse in preparation for engagement?
Do I view courtship as a time of deepening the spiritual and emotional aspects of our relationship while resisting the pre-mature tendency to become physically involved?
Am I willing to invest of myself into this relationship - seeking to overcome weaknesses that could prevent our friendship from deepening (i.e. seeking to grow in encouragement, communication skills, honoring, spiritual initiative, kindness, servanthood)?
Have this individual and I enjoyed a season of friendship? Do I understand this as the critical foundation to our future and am I willing to do my part to see it grow during this next season?
When this individual and I encounter difficulties or conflicts, am I willing to humble myself to discuss this with a more experienced couple/individual to learn how I can grow from my mistakes in communication or conflict resolution? Am I willing to handle such challenges biblically vs. "running" from them?
Knowing how natural it will be to want to focus exclusively on this relationship, am I willing to continue to pursue other God-given friendships during this time to protect others from feeling slighted or displaced?
Do I understand the importance of deepening my relationship with the Lord during this season to insure that my time with and heart for this individual does not subtly rob me of passion for Him and the church? Am I willing to invest significant times of prayer (and possibly fasting) into the future of this relationship (engagement, marriage) - trusting in God's sovereignty and resisting human striving and manipulation?
Do I understand that courtship is a season in which areas of relational lack will be exposed in myself and in this person? Am I willing to both humble myself to him/her for input and lovingly address things in his/her life as the Holy Spirit leads?
Am I willing to make/have contact(s) with this individual's family to allow them to get to know me better?
Am I willing to sensitively expose any past sin or pertinent issues with this person that would be important for him/her to know before our relationship develops into engagement?
Should it become clear that God is not leading this relationship into engagement/marriage, I am willing to accept this and take personal responsibility for any lack or mistakes on my part?

At the point at which you feel you are able to answer the above questions affirmatively, you are ready to prayerfully consider discussing your intentions with a trusted advisor for input. At that time, you may want to share the above questions with him/ her for their assessment. The keys to a successful and meaningful discussion will be clarity and humility on your part. Clearly communicate your interest in the individual and humbly ask for counsel and advice concerning your readiness to embark on this "journey." Remember that your advisor (home group leader, pastor, or etc.) has your best interest - and that of the individual you desire to pursue - at heart.

After this conversation - which should be an undistracted time vs. "catching" him/her at a meeting or on the telephone - you will then know how to proceed. As the confirmation you need and desire occurs, only then should you discuss this issue with the person with whom you desire to enter courtship. As a man it is, of course, your privilege to be the initiator in this venture. (See below.) Your discussion about potential courtship with the lady in your life should end with giving her the opportunity to prayerfully consider this decision as you have. She, too, will want to assess herself in the above ways.

SPECIAL SUGGESTIONS FOR MEN

As a man, you have the God-given privilege and responsibility to be the primary initiator and to provide a spiritually healthy environment in the special relationship that will eventually lead to marriage. In a society where men are tempted - and even encouraged - to renege in these areas, God is raising up a company of single men who are willing to eagerly embrace this responsibility.

In addition to the basic questions above, you will want to prayerfully consider the following issues:

Am I willing and ready to pursue God and others for help in areas I lack readiness to be a Godly husband?
Am I able and eager to be a provider for a wife and children? (Although you may not plan for your future spouse to not work outside the home or may want to delay starting a family, these decisions are sometimes "taken out of your hands." The issue of ability to provide - even from the beginning - is important to consider.) Am I willing to pursue financial help and counseling if needed (i.e. revising/getting on a budget, decreasing/getting out of debt, making necessary adjustments to my lifestyle/standard of living to better prepare for marriage)?
Am I willing to treat and relate to this woman in the way I would desire my daughter to be treated by a man (gentlemanly politeness, physical contact, thoughtfulness, etc.)?
Am I willing to grow in areas of communication - especially in learning to share my heart with her; draw out her emotions and feelings; honor her need to know me and be known by me? Is this important enough to me to solicit help from others in areas of weakness?
Am I willing to grow in leadership - especially in areas of spiritual zeal; growing in personal pursuit of God; taking an interest in her relationship with the Lord; initiating praying about issues/decisions we face; overcoming self-consciousness or insecurity about spiritual leadership? Do I value the role of the husband and father over career advancement and financial gain?
Do I respect this woman? Am I eager to value her thoughts, ideas and opinions without being irresponsible as a leader? Am I willing to highly esteem her opinions when considering decisions about our relationship?

SPECIAL SUGGESTIONS FOR LADIES

As a woman, you have been given the unique challenge and privilege of being the responder and provider of spiritual inspiration in the relationship with the man you will eventually marry. Many Christian single women find it challenging to trust in God' s sovereignty concerning their life partner by giving in to manipulation, striving and trying to "force" a relationship through human effort.

In addition to the basic questions above, you will want to prayerfully consider the following issues:

Am I willing and ready to pursue God and others for help in areas I lack readiness to be a Godly wife - trusting him to do the same in his life vs. seeking to "become his conscience"? Do I value the role of wife and mother over career advancement?
Am I willing to resist the temptation to be the pacesetter in this relationship (trust him to hear from the Lord concerning the timing/pace of the relationship; allowing him to fulfill his role as the primary initiator; resisting the temptation to "make plans" until the appropriate time)?
Am I willing to be careful of my expectations of him? Do I understand the importance of contentment and gratitude, especially for his ability to provide for a family? Am I eager to overcome and then resist temptation to worldliness in external areas including the kind of house, car, etc. he may provide? Will I be patient with him in areas of weaknesses or inexperience, especially concerning the emotional and spiritual aspects of our friendship? Am I willing to passionately pursue my relationship with the Lord in order to grow in Him and spiritually inspire this special man in my life?
Am I willing to respond to and cooperate with the process of his preparation for spiritual leadership in our relationship? Am I willing to respond to his initiatives in this area without negatively comparing his ideas or plans to mine? Am I willing to continue to pursue those God-given individuals who are currently providing spiritual leadership in my life; not prematurely expecting him to "act like a husband."
Am I willing to grow in areas of communication - learning to express my encouragement and respect; valuing his need to be heard over my need to be heard; learning to draw out his feelings, concerns, dreams, etc.?
Am I willing to lovingly set aside my personal thoughts, aspirations and ambitions for the future to support his God-given goals and spiritual interests - knowing that those which have been given to me by God will happen in conjunction with, rather th an in competition with, my future spouse?

Investing the time, thought and prayer the above questions provide will greatly serve you as a single adult in making the important decisions surrounding choosing your life partner. As leaders, our desire is that this "adventure" be a Spirit-led, fulfilling, and fun time in your life. We trust that this material will serve you to that end.

What Is Courtship and When Am I Ready For It?

SPECIAL SUGGESTIONS FOR LADIES

Material from Fairfax Covenant Church, 5200 Ox Road, Fairfax, Va.