Your Divorce Decision

The chief of a Native Indian tribe announced that the men could trade in their squaws. One of these men took in his 40 year old wife and traded her in for two 20 year old woman. A week passed and this man returned to the chief saying he wished his old wife back. The chief asked, "How come?" The man replied, "Chief, I am wired for one forty, not for two twenty." This man learned a lesson that Jesus taught almost 2,000 years ago:

Jesus then left that place and went into the region of Judea and across the Jordan. Again crowds of people came to him, and as was his custom, he taught them. Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?" "What did Moses command you?" he replied. They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away." "It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. "But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery." Mark 10:1-12.

U.S. CENSUS BUREAU STATISTICS (from the 1996 abstract): Number of marriages in 1970: 2.1 million. Number in 1994: 2.3 million. Number of divorces in 1970: 708,000. Number in 1994: 1.2 million.

"Has not the Lord, made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth." Malachi 2:13-16.

The Logical Outcome of Your Divorce Decision:

Getting a divorce is just trading one set of problems for a whole new set of problems. Here are the new problems you will face:

Divorce is the singular worst event that can happen to a child:
- Your children will suffer long-term depression -- Dr. Armand Nicholi, psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital: "90% of children from divorced homes suffered from an acute sense of shock when the separation occurred, including profound grieving and irrational fears. Fifty percent of children reported feeling rejected and abandoned. One third of the boys and girls feared abandonment by the remaining parent and 66 percent experienced yearning for the absent parent with an intensity that researchers described as 'overwhelming'." In summary, Dr. Nicholi said, "Divorce brings such intense loneliness to children that its pain is difficult to describe or even contemplate."
- Grades will go down. Children of divorce are 5 times as likely as their peers from stable marriages to be expelled or suspended from school; twice as likely to repeat a grade.
- Your children will cry long into the night.
- Most significantly, "37 percent of the children were even more unhappy and dissatisfied five years after the divorce than they had been at 18 months." (Dr. Nicholi).
- One-third will still be deeply hurting 20 years later! In other words, time did not heal their wounds.
- Divorce children only have a 25% chance of their marriage lasting (not 50%).
- If a step dad comes into their life, someone else will spend 70% of time with your kids. "Half the fathers never came to see their children three years after the divorce." (Dr. Nicholi).
- Your daughter at her wedding may ask you to sit in the congregation.
- Since both parents will need to work, you will put your children's lives in the hands of strangers.
Divorce will affect your relationship with friends and your church:
- Your reputation will be changed.
- You will lose the respect of your in-laws.
- You will lose the love of your church family.
- This church will become a haven for the spouse being victimized.
Economically:
- A wife will not get more than 1/3 of the income.
- If the wife was a homemaker, she will now have to go to work.
- The house will need to be sold -- further upsetting the kids.
- The kids will have to go to child care.
- In many cases, wife and kids will live right at the poverty level.
- Lawyers will cost $9,000 per person in the household (custody of the kids, etc.).

85% of couples who divorced 20 years ago have decided they should not have divorced. They say that instead they should have gone through the painful process of building a foundation they never had.

100% of the children (20 years later) said their parents should not have divorced!

God says in Malachi 2:13-16: "Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’S altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith."

God desires godly seed produced by stable homes where agape love is modeled.

What Can I Do to Avoid Divorce?

Stay Close to God

Louis Evans, former pastor of the Hollywood Presbyterian Church, made an amazing statement. He said that he never knew a couple who went ahead with a divorce after first praying together, on their knees, every day, for a week.

Praying together is both a solvent and a glue. It dissolves resentments and bitterness, and binds hearts in new and joyous harmony. Swiss psychiatrist Dr. Paul Tournier writes, "It is only when a husband and wife pray together before God that they find the secret of true harmony: that the difference in their temperaments, their ideas, and their tastes enriches their home instead of endangering it...

"When each of the marriage partners seeks quietly before God to see his own faults, recognizes his sin, and asks the forgiveness of the other, marital problems are no more... They learn to become absolutely honest with each other... This is the price to be paid if partners very different from each other are to combine their gifts instead of setting them against each other."
Be Committed to a Permanent Relationship

In his helpful book Straight Talk to Men and Their Wives, James C. Dobson quotes a heart-touching letter his father wrote to his mother before they were married. It reads in part: "I want you to understand and be fully aware of my feelings concerning the marriage covenant which we are about to enter. I have been taught at my mother's knee and in harmony with the Word of God that the marriage vows are inviolable, and by entering them I am binding myself absolutely and for life. The idea of estrangement from you through divorce for any reason at all (although God allows one-infidelity) will never at any time be permitted to enter my thinking. I'm not naive in this. On the contrary, I'm fully aware of the possibility, unlikely as it now appears, that mutual incompatibility or other unforeseen circumstances could result in extreme mental suffering. If such becomes the case, I am resolved for my part to accept it as a consequence of the commitment I am now making, and to bear it, if necessary, to the end of our lives together."

Don't let the thought of divorce come into your mind. Cast it out. Never speak the word to your spouse or children. A reporter once asked Ruth Graham, wife of Billy Graham, if she ever thought of divorce. She replied, "Murder, yes. Divorce, never!" At least the last half of that statement should be the way we all think!
Express Affection

Several years ago, a study by Dr. Arthur Sazbo found that husbands who kiss their wives every morning live an average of five years longer than husbands who don't. Furthermore, these husbands are involved in fewer auto accidents, are ill 50 percent less time, and earn 20 to 30 percent more money. The study did not indicate what kissing did for their wives. My guess is that it improved their day, too. So, let's get busy! We want you all to live an extra five years.

Peter said something that should get your attention: Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as a delicate vessel and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7).

If you're struggling in your Christian life, maybe you need to consider how you've been treating your spouse. This verse says you are to treat her gently, with understanding, and with honor. The truth is, I have seen men treat their dogs with more gentleness and understanding than they treat their wives!
Avoid Adultery, emotional and physical

We had a woman in our church who was in a relationship in which she was not receiving a lot of emotional support from her husband. A male neighbor began to notice her, complement her, and take an interest in her. Of course, this was attractive to this lady who was starving for affection. But she did a wise thing. She came to another lady in the church, told her what she was feeling and asked this lady to hold her accountable.

When a adultery does occur, a believer has to consider how much God has forgiven him. A Christian husband found this to be true when his wife, who had become an alcoholic, told him of an affair she had had with his best friend 10 years earlier. She said she experienced such feelings of guilt that the bottle was a means of escape.

Anger and resentment began to sweep over him, for his wife's drinking had embittered their children and nearly destroyed their home. He was also deeply hurt by the fact that his close friend had betrayed his trust. Then he remembered Jesus' words, "Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." As he thought of God's mercy toward him, he prayed for grace to do the Christlike thing.

Here is his description of what happened the next time he met the man who had caused him such heartache: "With a sob in my soul, I reached out my hand and gripped his, and for the first time in my life I knew what it was to forgive. I felt a tremendous sense of release as the unbearable weight of bitterness was lifted from my heart. This freedom enabled me to renew my love for my wife, and to overcome the barrier that had arisen between us. When I said to her, 'I forgive you and will accept you just as I did when I pledged to love and cherish you unto death,' the healing process began its wonderful work."
Stop the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of Marriage

Researchers at the University of Denver have identified 4 traits that will destroy a marriage relationship. They have achieved an 85% success rate in predicting if a marriage will succeed or fail based on these four criteria. They call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in marriage. They are:
- Negative Interpretations
  Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. Their perception is worse than reality.
  1 Corinthians 13:7 tells us that we are to "believe all things, hope all things".
- Escalation
  Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually "upping the ante." It starts as an argument over laundry and ends with a threat to divorce.
  Proverbs 29:11 says, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control."
- Contempt
  Either body language (rolling eyes) or sarcasm. Painful put-downs. Name calling. Expressions of disrespect.
  Ephesians 4:29 says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building up."
- Withdrawal and Avoidance
  One partner shows an unwillingness to get into or stay with important discussions. It can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as "turning off" during an argument.
  Matthew 5:23-24.

Dear Ann Landers,

I'm going to tell you about a love story that I witness every time I go to the nursing home to see my husband who has Alzheimer's disease. Unfortunately, I know firsthand how this terrible illness affects family members, but I would like the world to know what love really is. I see a man who, I understand, has spent the last eight years caring for this wife who has Alzheimer's. They have been married more than 50 years. He cooks and feeds her every bite of food she eats. He has bathed her and dressed her every day all these years. They have no other family. She lost a baby at birth and they never had any more children.

I cannot describe the tenderness and love that man shows for his wife. She is unable to recognize anyone, including him. The only things she shows any interest in are two baby dolls. They are never out of her hands. I observed him when I parked my car beside his the other day. He sat in his old pickup truck for a few minutes, then he patted down what little hair he had, straightened the threadbare collar of his shirt and looked in the mirror for a final check before going in to see his wife. It was as if he were courting her. They have been partners all these years and have seen each other under all kinds of circumstances, yet he carefully groomed himself before he called on his wife, who wouldn't even know him. This is an example of the love and commitment the world needs today.

Ann Landers responded: "Indeed, it is!"