Frankly Answered Questions - FAQs

Where do you draw the line with a borrowing neighbor?

Q: Dennis, I don't know where to draw the line...I have a neighbor and they think whatever they need they can borrow it...They are Christians...At least they say they are and they go to church every sunday and every wednesday night... Since I moved here they have borrowed so much food.. And Dennis it isn't food that is a necessity... It's icings for cakes and butter and egg and sugar for making choc. chip cookies... Or oil to make a cake or cookies.. She borrowed 4 sticks of butter to make a triple batch of cookies... They always come to say they want to borrow and they never return it.. I have always tried to stick to the Biblical principle of not judging... And to give... But where do I draw the line...

My own kids ask why can't they buy it... The father has a good job and the mother cleans houses so she can be home for the kids after school.. They aren't hurting.. They even have asked to come in and use the computer for school work.. It's like what is mine they think is theirs... Finally after no one let there kids use the computer they went out and bought a $2000 computer... I don't mind borrowing, I really don't.... Last night they come to the door to borrow the blender so they can make Blizzards.... I said I don't have one.. I feel so guilty about it.. I do have a real old one.. Do I have to give everything they ask for???

If I don't have something, they keep knocking on other people's doors until they find one to borrow... I just don't know how to address this problem... It has been happening since I moved in and they live next door... Her son is the hyperactive child who has the problems... They are not doing anything for their son... They expect the neighborhood to understand him and conform to his wishes so he doesn't get out of hand... I have been very patient with the mother and have done everything I can to help her, but every time I am nice and we talk she is asking me to take care of her son or the borrowing gets worse..It's to the point I don't talk to her...

I just don't know where to draw the line on this... Do I keep on giving without judging??? I don't want to do anything that is unchrist like... I just need some input as to what to do... I try and do things for other people.. Right now I watch 3 kids after school almost everyday and I do it free.. The reason why is the mother is working so hard and she is trying to make ends meet... It's only for about 30 minutes a day until the father gets home... They have had financial problems.. I don't mind.. Her kids are wonderful... otherwise the children would sit at home all alone... I'm here so why not let them in my house where it is safe...She is not a christian..but she sends her kids to church on a bus..She is doing something right for the kids...

If you can guide me in someway or show me some Biblical passages where I can get my answer I would appreciate it...My hubby is about ready to tell them off. And I have told him that is not the right thing to do...A lot of people think since I stay at home we have tons of money..HA HA HA!! I just spend it wisely...

Thanks.

Your sister in Christ

A: Dear Sis,

Great questions! And your spirit is reacting to this family's MISUSE of Scriptural principles. The Bible makes it clear that we are to help those who are truly in need without judging them. This is the loving thing to do.

But the Bible also says that we are not to help those who are "using" the generosity of other Christians. It is, in fact, an unloving act to help them. Example: 2 Thessalonians 3:6-15. When we help people who are able to help themselves, we are in fact "enabling" them to continue in their sin or weakness. Instead we are to "speak the truth in love" to them (Ephesians 4:15,25; Matthew 18:15; Proverbs 9:8; Luke 17:3). Your neighbor's Christian witness is being ruined by her actions in the neighborhood. The loving thing to do is to: (1) decide to speak to her about one of the issues that you see, (2) pray about this to God asking Him for the words and the timing, (3) think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it beforehand, (4) speak to her, and then (5) trust God for the results.

Usually people don't react well to being corrected, but that is the loving thing to do, especially with other Christians (Romans 15:14). Don't be surprised if she does not receive it at first. She may become angry. She may withdraw from you. But: (1) you are doing what God says to do, i.e. correcting your sister in love, (2) her response is her responsibility before God, not yours -- don't personalize her reaction, (3) we must love God and do what He says to do, more than we love the praise or fear the rejection of men, and finally (4) if she withdraws from you and the family -- heh, that takes care of the problem of her "using" you!!! ;>

We have a Scripture study on how to correct other people called Loving Enough to Confront.

Also you may want to check out our web page entitled Assertive Behavior.

Dennis