I fear rejection from my peers
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I fear rejection from my peers

Q: I read your page on Assertive Behavior. I know what it means to be assertive, and I can do it with everyone but my peers (I'm a 23 yr old female). I was rejected a lot when I was in jr. high and high school by other girls, so now I am so passive and SOOO nice all the time. My mom calls me "accommodating". Somehow, I feel guilty if I'm not REALLY nice, helpful, smiley, etc., with my peers, and I end up feeling stupid, disrespected, and resentful. I'm a Christian, and that may have something to do with it. I'm married, but I don't have many friends. I am very uncomfortable and unrelaxed around other girls my age, and I can't open up. It stresses me out thinking about having to have a conversation with someone, so I have been closing myself off to relationships for years. Am I beyond help?

A: "Am I beyond help?" CERTAINLY NOT! God is never beyond anything!! "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave Him up for us -- will God not also, along with Jesus, generously give us everything we need?" (Romans 8:32). "He who began a good work in you WILL carry it on to completion until the day Christ returns." (Philippians 1:6).

I was bullied, hurt, and ridiculed by male peers all of the time I was growing up. As a result the easiest relationships for me were with older adults or members of the opposite sex. But God began to open new ways of thinking for me and I realized that what was "true" while growing up (among kids) was not necessarily "true" among adults. Our peers grow and so do we. So I began to risk relationship with peers; risk rejection.

I can't say that all of those peer relationships have gone well. A few years ago my best male friend lied to me (big time, for about 6 months) and ended up doing something that destroyed his marriage and hurt the church. But that was only one incident. I now have some very deep and blessed friendships with my peers and it has enriched me as a person.

Let me make some suggestions:

  1. Continue to foster relationships with people that you do feel comfortable around (perhaps older or younger women). Don't close yourself off.

  2. Do some reading on fears of rejection or on being a "pleaser." Some books that I have found helpful are:

  • "The Rejection Syndrome" by Charles Solomon, Tyndale House.

  • "When Helping You is Hurting Me -- Escaping the Messiah Trap" by Carmen Renee Berry, ISBN 0-06-250050-3.

  • "Hiding from Love" by Dr. John Townsend, ISBN 08910-96213.

  • "Finding Inner Security" by Janet Congo, ISBN 0-8307-1045-0.

  • "The Father I Never Knew" by Phil Davis, ISBN 08910-96124.

  1. If you need some further help, then don't be afraid to talk to an older women who can mentor you or to a Christian counselor. Other people CAN identify with what you are going through. You are not alone. And these people can give you wisdom on how they have overcome the same fears. Also talking about our fears with someone often removes half of the power.

Let me know how you progress, okay?