A spouse refuses to have sexual relations with her marriage partner
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Frankly Answered Questions - FAQs

A spouse refuses to have sexual relations with her marriage partner.

Q: If a wife refuses to have sexual relations with her husband, is she being unfaithful to the marriage contract? Although I have no intention of divorcing my wife, I believe that her unwillingness to honor the marriage contract is the same as breaking the marriage contract, thus grounds for divorce.

She has no physical reason for denying the conjugal relationship. The present reason is that there are too many other things which need to be done. Over the years it has ranged from mood complaints to protesting that it wasn't the right of the husband to demand or expect anything. She has stated that it isn't fair to expect such things if she doesn't feel like it. Lately it's been a "too much stress, too much to do" no sex strike for 8 months.

I thought our getting married would change things. I was wrong. I have tried everything. She won't agree to counseling of any kind and any books or tapes I suggest are viewed as being pushy on my part.

Now she has discovered that her husband is battling sexual temptations and is coming down hard on him for not being mentally faithful. She exhibits a great deal of self-righteous contempt and offers up how bitter she is that he has such temptations.

Should I again state for the 1,000th time that I feel neglected, abused, trapped and bitter?

I love her and I won't leave her. But this is not my fault. She is, in fact, responsible for my unreasonable temptations. I have two children and am a minister with a church and a wife who doesn't see any obligations. What should I do?

My spiritual needs and necessities are taken care of by God and His saints and angels. I got married to a physical being here on earth to take care of my physical needs properly, yet.... I'm a flesh and blood person. I have physical needs. I'm bitter. I'm trapped. I guess this is just my cross to bear.

A: Dear Friend,

I know that you are in tremendous pain here. I want you to know that you are certainly not alone in this dilemma. It is a rare marriage that sexual interest is the same in both partners. And based on my counseling experiences and emails, your situation is much more common than you might realize. MANY people can empathize with your situation. And it might surprise you to know this isn't just a male problem. One out of every 3 people that speak to me about this issue are female and struggling just like you.

I would assume that you would like me to agree with you about your wife's disobedience and talk about how justified you are in your bitterness and giving in to sexual temptation. You will find that I agree with you about some of that, but before I talk about that, let me say a few other things which may be helpful or may not. You can sort through them for what is wheat and what is chaff.

Let's talk about your options. Since I've been through this, let me give all the options that I came up with and the brief evaluation that I got from God:

A little testimony here: My marriage has not always been as happy as it is now. I have done my share of rationalizing: "Because she won't meet my needs I have every right to be angry, to insist, to divorce, or to find another woman who is in the same situation..." The mental gymnastics are never ceasing and they will only drive you to hopelessness and painful disobedience.

I needed someone to help me sort out my feelings and to help me take every thought captive to Christ. I needed to understand what sex really meant to me -- beyond the physical. I found that sex was an idol. I was using it, rather than God, to meet certain emotional and psychological needs in my life. Sex meant closeness and acceptance to me. So when I wasn't able to be physically intimate, I felt rejected and alone.

Through counseling I discovered that I was believing lies that were causing me great harm. At one time or another I believed in my heart that God was not good or did not know what was going on in my marriage or did not care or was not able to help me bear up under it. None of these were true and I had to learn to speak the truth to myself and know that God loves me and wants to meet all of my needs, even my physical ones -- either through my wife or by an experience of His Spirit that is much deeper than I have known up to this point. "No good thing does He withhold" from His children (Psalm 84:11-12). With the help of others, I began acting like a "believer," in what I couldn't see or feel.

So I believe you ought to go yourself. I have seen many times when one spouse makes the effort, the other spouse comes around. And even if your wife is unwilling to benefit from the counsel of others, then you can talk to someone about the feelings you are wrestling with and how to handle them so they don't lead you to disobedience.

Let me recommend some resources. I realize that she is unwilling to read, but some of these would benefit you or they may be helpful to someone else who reads this. You may benefit by listening to an audio tape called "An Affair of the Mind." It can be purchased from Family Life Today (1-800-FL-TODAY). This may help you to see how mental unfaithfulness affects your wife. And some good reading can be found in the following books:

* "Solomon on Sex" by Joseph C. Dillow, Thomas Nelson Publishers

* "Sexual Happiness in Marriage" by Hebert J. Miles, Zondervan (particularly Chapters 7 & 8).

You could read these separately or if you can avoid conflict, then it's a good study book to do together. Another very helpful book intended for couple study is "Great Sexpectations" by Robert G. Barnes, Zondervan. It has some wonderful content and great discussion questions at the end of each chapter that couples should take time to talk about with each other. More recently, my wife and I have benefited from the book Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman, Tyndale House.

Okay, now let's get back to your first question. I suppose I ought to mention that there are many possible reasons for low sexual desire: thyroid dysfunction, drug-induced impotence, an unbiblical view of sex, low esteem, painful intercourse, an insensitive partner, pressure to perform, or past trauma, such as incest or rape. As you can see, some of these are physical. Some of these are your responsibility. Some of these are past experiences that your wife may not have worked through with God. Of course, I would recommend that you and your wife see a Christian counselor, preferable one who specializes in sexual dysfunction, so that you can find the reason for the problem. Proverbs 15:22; 20:18 is wise advice. But, as you said, your wife is unwilling.

I don't know your wife's exact reasons for not being physically intimate with you. But taking what she says at face value: Yes, she is being unfaithful to the marriage covenant. Yes, she is being disobedient to God's commandments regarding sex in marriage:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you can give yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-6).

But you are not in a marriage contract (your words). You are in a marriage covenant (God's word). There is a BIG difference between a contract, where if one party doesn't fulfill their obligations, then the contract is broken, and a Biblical covenant that represents God's love. In a covenant even though she is unfaithful, as her husband you are called to remain faithful - just like Jesus is faithful to His church (Ephesians 5:25; 2 Timothy 2:13), even when His church is unfaithful. This will require supernatural power on your part -- it cannot be done with human effort (Galatians 3:3). Her sexual refusal is disobedience to God (1 Corinthians 7:5) - although neither you nor I knows what motivates her disobedience. However, her disobedience is not grounds for divorce. Grounds for divorce are given to us in Matthew 19:9 and 1 Corinthians 7:15 and they are sexual immorality and desertion by an unbelieving spouse. (Sorry, withholding sex is not the same as "desertion." That's a rationalization.)

Since your wife is in disobedience, you have the Biblical option of following Matthew 18:15-17. I would advise that this be done with great care and wisdom. A group of male elders descending on your wife and confronting her about her lack of sexual responsiveness would not be very wise. In my opinion, the involvement of elder's wives along with the elders would be very prudent. Perhaps by speaking with one of the elders' wives, they may discover the reason for her lack of sexual intimacy. If a judgment is to be made against your wife, this should be done completely without your involvement. Only the other elders should decide. At the very least (in my opinion), the elders ought to require your wife to counsel with you.

However, in the end your wife may not be willing to change. Now we are back to needing God. ;>

I have a good friend in Christian ministry. We meet together once a month for lunch. He has a very strong sex drive and yet has had to live in a celibate relationship with his spouse for five years now. His wife is a practicing Christian, yet she withholds from him any touch -- even a kiss. She castigates him for perceived failures on a regular basis. Yet this man has been faithful and loving. He struggles. He is in pain at times. But he has done something, he never thought he could do. He has lived without a female relationship, but with a God relationship for five years now. He has peace and joy.

If "she won't agree to counseling of any kind and any books or tapes," then there is nothing you or I can do to MAKE her change. Of course, there is another lie. We can't make anyone change anyway. Only God can change a person's heart. All we can do is ask God to change US.

I'll stop rambling now and summarize my advice for you:

(1) YOU HAVE TO DECIDE IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT JESUS IS ENOUGH. - The Bible says that I can be content in all circumstances and that Jesus supplies EVERYTHING I need to live joyfully and contentedly (Phil 4:11-13). Not just the spiritual stuff, but also the physical stuff. He is the God of all supply and provision. Do I believe this is really true? If so, how am I looking to Jesus to fulfill my "needs" for physical intimacy? How does God do that, when my wife won't provide that for me? Can a "spirit being" (God) really meet my physical wants? If so, how? Is Jesus enough or isn't He? Many Christian men down through the centuries have found that Jesus is enough and they can remain sexually pure in marriage and outside of marriage. They were not any different than you and I. They were not undersexed. They just knew how to trust Jesus. IF JESUS IS ENOUGH, THEN ACTIVELY TRUST HIM, CRY OUT TO HIM, LOOK TO HIM TO MEET YOUR NEEDS.

(2) YOUR "NEED" FOR SEX MAY NOT BE JUST PHYSICAL. - Sex can be an addiction just like everything else and this can be true of sex even in marriage. I have found that many men (including myself) use sex as a way to deal with emotional issues. It's like the wife that I counseled who said, "I'm tired of my husband using me as a pacifier." Many men remain emotionally stunted in knowing how to express and deal with their feelings. Sex can become a way to "feel better" when I'm sad, depressed, puzzled, feeling rejected, inadequate, etc. If that's the case, as a man, I need to LEARN NEW AND HEALTHY WAYS OF DEALING WITH MY EMOTIONS and SEPARATE PHYSICAL INTIMACY (an expression of love between two married people) FROM SELFISH SEX (which temporarily helps me feel better).

(3) YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT GOD IS BOTH SOVEREIGN AND GOOD. - Your wife's lack of affection is part of God's plan for you and His plan is good (Romans 8:28). Your loving Father has brought this difficulty into your life BECAUSE He loves you. It may be for discipline, it may be for training (to develop self-control), it may be for you to be able to counsel others in the future -- but whatever it is for, it is good. You must embrace God's good action in your life and not fall into despair or pity parties. You are certainly not the first man this has ever happened to. You will live through it. You will not die. You will not lose your salvation. Instead YOU CAN GROW THROUGH IT AND FIND A DEEPER RELATIONSHIP WITH "THE GOD WHO IS ENOUGH."

(4) PORNOGRAPHY IS SIN. IT ONLY MAKES THE SITUATION WORSE (NOT BETTER). I MUST PLACE "NO UNCLEAN THING BEFORE MY EYES" (PSALM 101:3). ADULTERY IS SIN, IT ONLY MAKES THE SITUATION WORSE (NOT BETTER). WHETHER YOUR SPOUSE IS SINNING OR NOT, SHE IS YOUR "PARTNER, THE WIFE OF YOUR MARRIAGE COVENANT" (MALACHI 2:14). BE FAITHFUL.

(5) THERE IS NOTHING IN THE BIBLE THAT FORBIDS MASTURBATION IN MARRIAGE AS LONG AS IT IS NOT ADULTEROUS. See What Does the Bible Say About Masturbation? for more details. This may help you deal with the normal build up of testosterone that occurs in healthy males. (By the way, this gets less of an issue as you age, which is one of the benefits of older years.)

(6) MY WIFE MAY BE IN SIN, BUT I AM NOT CALLED TO BE MY WIFE'S PERSONAL HOLY SPIRIT OR CALLED TO CONDEMN MY WIFE. HER SIN AFFECTS ME, BUT AFTER I HAVE COMMUNICATED MY LONGINGS AND DIFFICULTIES TO HER IN A LOVING WAY, IT IS BETWEEN HER AND HER GOD. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS AND CANNOT PLACE BLAME ON HER FOR MY IMPURITY, MY ANGER, OR MY LACK OF SELF-CONTROL. - In other words, if my wife is being disobedient to her marriage vow and to God's commandment (1 Cor 7:3-5), I can't use this as an excuse for viewing pornography (Matthew 5:28-30), not loving her as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25-29), longing for other women (Job 31:1), envying other men (Exodus 20:17), or not showing self-control (Galatians 5:22-25).

Dear brother in Christ, that's pretty much the extent of my wisdom on the subject. I've found the Word of God to be true and real and practical on this subject. Jesus HAS been enough and I've grown tremendously through these difficulties (and others). In the end you will do what you want to do. You can blame all your temptation on her (but doesn't that go against James 1:14). You can believe that supernatural strength is only for people like the apostle Paul. You can believe that none of this is your fault. And since I don't know you from Adam, then perhaps all of that is absolutely, one hundred percent true. But in your email I see a person very much like myself. I was a bitter, angry, unbelieving Pharisee who believed the cross was only something to painfully bear. Now on good days, I find my life in that cross, the daily freshness of the gospel, the power of the Spirit, and my relationship with the Father who loves me. And He is enough (Psalm 16:11; 103:5; 145:16-19; Philippians 4:12,19)!

Sincerely and lovingly,

Dennis