Frankly Answered Questions - FAQs

My husband is a pornography addict. What should I do?

Q: Hi! I had been to your web page last year and was seeking for answers about pornography. I had printed out some web pages you had and I sought advice from my home church for answers in my marriage. My husband was involved with pornography and I believe he was addicted, but he denied it. He went to counseling for a while and then he stopped, thinking he had overcome it. He made some progress, but now I am destroyed again emotionally and I don't know where to turn. I found out he has been online again looking in pornographic web pages. Again I went to the pastor to talk with him. He said that I need to confront my husband. But I am scared, because he gets angry and snaps at me and so forth. I don't want to confront him again, since this is the third time now. It seems like a cycle.

I looked for the book called "Faithful and True" by Dr. Laaser that is mentioned on your web page, but was unable to find a copy. What should I do? I love my husband. I believe the Lord can help him overcome this. I do not want to divorce him. I have hope knowing he can overcome, if he only wants help, but right now I do not know if I should confront him again or what to do. This July we will be married 6 years. I am hurting deeply. I am so tired of the pattern I see in him. When he is not involved with pornography, he is a good man and his behavior is just right. He just can't seem to fight it.

I think I agree with a lot that is being said about addiction, but it's not fair for us wives to cope with it. I have been carrying this burden a long time now and I'm deeply praying for an answer. I love the Lord. I am doing what I know to be right and I continue to serve the Lord, but it would be great if my husband was serving the Lord himself and getting right again. Please pray for me. What can I say or do regarding my problem and what can I ask from my pastor? He said he can't help unless my husband is willing to come in for counseling. So what is the best way to encourage my husband to come in?

A: Pornography causes GREAT pain to the wife and I can hear it in your email. A Christian lady recently wrote a book from the perspective of the wife. Her name is Laurie Hall and her book is called "An Affair of the Mind."  You can purchase the book from Family Life Today (1-800-FL-TODAY). This book may help you to know that you are not alone. If gives very practical advice for any woman with a husband addicted to pornography.

You may want to get further information and advice from a group like Victims of Pornography or CASR. You will find women at these sites who suffer the same as you do. They also offer support groups for women. There may be one in your area.

In your email you mentioned a book that you were unable to find. The book "Faithful and True: Sexual Integrity in a Fallen World", Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992 by Mark Laaser can be purchased at any Christian book store or from an on-line book service like Amazon.com. It is an excellent resource for understanding pornography addiction.

I hesitate to give advice over the Internet, since I know so little of the story, but based on what you have said, I would urge you to remain faithful to your marriage even in the midst of his unfaithfulness (through pornography). Addiction is seldom overcome in one try. In fact, the addict usually falls back into addiction three times before he or she comes out for good. So don't give up. Hang in there. You are hurt and wounded, but it's not time to give up on your husband or your marriage. You will need to experience God's love and support in a deeper way, than you have up to this point. But you will find that your Father can be enough for you.

Follow the advice of your pastor. Speak to your husband in spite of your fear. Confront your husband in a loving way. Think about what you will say and how you will say it before you approach him. Show concern for him. If you cannot confront your husband alone, perhaps your pastor would come with you as emotional support. Don't expect your pastor to testify to what he hasn't seen or to preach to your husband. Just ask if he will come along with you, because you are afraid of your husband's anger.

If your husband refuses to listen to you, for his benefit you may need to follow a tough love approach. See Laurie Hall's book that I mentioned above and James Dobson's book called "Tough Love" (you can purchase "Tough Love" at a Christian bookstore or through Focus on the Family ministries or from Amazon.com). This tough love approach may involve following the steps of Matthew 18:15-17. If your husband is a believer and your church practices church discipline, then you can involve your church leaders in the process. If you have approached your husband and there is no response, you should be able to go to the next step in the process and bring one or two of your church leaders (pastor and/or elders) in as witnesses.

(I am assuming that your pastor has already asked you about your own marital responsibilities. In my comments above, I have made the assumption that you are fulfilling 1 Corinthians 7:3, so that your husband has no pretext for seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere.)

I hope this is a bit helpful to you. I will pray for you and for the Father to comfort you and give your husband freedom.