Frankly Answered Questions - FAQs

Is my husband oversexed?

Q: My husband and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We had a wonderful weekend together. We were physically intimate and had a magnificent time enjoying each other. But while driving home, my husband said that he just could not stop thinking about the great weekend we had and he wanted to be physically intimate AGAIN! I am trying real hard to be understanding.... but is this normal? Isn't he oversexed?

A: Believe it or not, this is a question that I hear quite often. And it may surprise you, but about one-third of the time the question is actually asked by men about their wives.

But most of the time the question is asked by wives about their husbands. Apparently you are not alone in your evaluation. A Roper poll of 3,000 women revealed that 54% of women believe "men are sexually obsessed" (1991).

The short answer to your question is, "Yes, in general most men are more consumed with sex than women, but much of this is biological and should not be viewed as evil."

In our society men are taught to be sensitive to the biological differences in women. We are urged to be understanding to their cycles, their mood swings, and their pains. This is right and proper, since a woman's sexuality comes from the way that God has created her body. Menstrual cycles, hormones, and menopause all come from her God-given biology.

What most people don't realize is that men also have sexual cycles, mood swings, and pains which come from the way God has created their brains and bodies. Sexual drive and the way it is expressed is a biological gender difference. Here are few things about men that every woman should know and accept:

1. Visual stimulation plays a very powerful role for men in sexual excitement. We are sexually visual beings. On the other hand, tests verify that women become more sexually excited by talk than by anything they see or touch. This is a gender difference that can create some very conflicting situations.
   
   Scenario: You are tired. You are looking forward to a good night's sleep without interruptions from the kids. You undress for bed and put on your night clothes. Unbeknownst to you, your husband has caught a glimpse of your figure in the mirror as you were undressing. In a matter of a few seconds, what do you think has come into his mind? You guessed it: making love to his wife! Is your husband oversexed? No, just created by God to be visually stimulated by the sight of you.
   

2. Imagination also plays a very powerful role for men in sexual excitement. This means we "think" and fantasize about sex a lot! Of course, all men are different, but one study I read said that the average American male thinks about sex once every seven minutes! Another study said men dream about sex three times more often than women.
   
   There is no doubt that part of this male preoccupation with sex is due to the pornographic society in which we live. I'm certainly not condoning lust created by advertisements, radio, TV, and movies.
   
   But another part of this fixation is just God given. Our brains are wired for dreaming and imagination. Men are focused individuals (as opposed to spatial) and fortunately or unfortunately we often focus on sex. Before the fall Adam probably dreamed about sex more often than Eve. Is your husband "oversexed"? No, just different. Men and women were created to be different and that's beautiful.
   

3. Another difference between men and women is sexual desire and energy level. Women usually have one battery from which they draw all of their energy for work, care-taking, and sexual intimacy. Men have a built in spare battery just for sex. In general, we can be exhausted as a marathon runner and still have energy for love-making. We can be sick with the flu and still be thinking about sex. This seldom makes sense to most women, but the idea of being "too tired for sex" seldom enters a man's mind.
   
   The reason for this has to do with the way the male and female brain is wired. In brief, a woman's sexual libido is strongly linked to the emotional part of her brain. A man's sexually interest is less tied to his emotions. This difference can create a great deal of sexual tension between husbands and wives, but it's really just a biological distinction between the genders.
   

4. One of the things that is the same between men and women is that we are both affected by hormonally induced cycles. Most women have a cycle of 28 days which affects their mood, their desire for sex, and the release of bodily fluids. Men also have a biological cycle, but it is of shorter length. Males have a 3 day build up of testosterone. Men experience mood swings, changes in sexual desire, and a need for release based on this build up of testosterone. This means that the average male has a biological drive to be physically intimate with his wife every three days. If he is not physically intimate then he may experience a nocturnal emission ("wet dream") in a few days to release the build up. This drive changes as we age and varies from man to man -- just as PMS varies from woman to woman.
   
   Of course, the male sexual drive is controllable (Old Testament example: Leviticus 18:19). None of this is meant to suggest an excuse for immorality or demandingness on the part of a husband. But a wise woman will realize that her husband is influenced by his God-given biology. She will love her husband and be sensitive to him in the same way that she expects him to be sensitive to her biology, to her cycles, and to her moods.

Men are an absolutely different species. God didn't make us "persons." He made us "male and female" (Genesis 1:27). This is wonderful and beautiful (as well as confusing and frustrating). Most wives want a husband who can respond to their unique moods, needs, and desires. Likewise, a wife who understands her husband's legitimate, godly, physical needs and then responds to them is a rare jewel.

So coming back from your 13th Anniversary, you may be thinking, "We had a great weekend together. I spent time pleasuring him. I'm happy and satisfied. But now he talks about wanting more! Isn't he ever satisfied? What's wrong with him?!"

There's nothing wrong with him. Just remember he's an alien. A different species with different needs.

So what would an understanding, loving wife do? Might she tell him to pull off the road and find a secluded spot, so they can caress one another (Genesis 26:8) one last time before reentering the rat race of American life?

A woman who comprehends her mate's sexual biology will have a husband who thinks he's got the most understanding wife in the world! He will probably start trying to understand her more. And he will likely be there for her on their 26th anniversary, because there is no other women who knows his needs and loves him the way his wife does.