1 Peter 2:17 Show proper respect to everyone. . . .

There are many ways to try to solve problems and come to agreements. This method (called the 3Ps) is one way that many couples have found helpful. Great marriages are characterized by an abiding sense of teamwork based on deep, mutual respect and love. In some ways, this model is like a road map to keep you on the path and moving forward when you have a specific problem to work through. Try it out and see what you think.

Step One: Problem Discussion (The Speaker-Listener Technique)

Proverbs 18:13 He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him. (NKJV)

• You should separate Problem Discussion from Problem Solution.

• Premature problem solving leads to poor solutions and poor follow through.

Step Two: Prayer

This is a step not mentioned in the secular material, but we would emphasize the value of a couple praying together and seeking God’s direction and help. Whether silent or out loud, at this point in the process or earlier, there is power and peace in acknowledging God in your working together.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Step Three: Problem Solution

Agenda Setting

• Pick a very specific piece of the issue you are working on to try to solve right now.
• Stay on this focus for solution ideas.

Brain Storming

• Suggest any ideas at all and be creative.
• No criticism or evaluation at this point.

Agreement

• Talk out the ideas you came up with.
• Try out different combinations.
• Try to find the trial solution that will have the best chance of working.

Follow up on Trial Solution

• Set a time frame to see if the solution is working, and change it if necessary.

copyright Christian PREP, Inc. 1996

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No couple could make their marriage last with joy and intimacy without a commitment to forgiveness. And yet forgiveness in marriage is seldom actually stressed. There is no magic formula, but Jesus Christ’s teaching does point the way for moving through forgiveness when needed.

Defining Forgiveness

Jesus uses financial models:

Matthew 6:12 Forgive (APHIEMI) us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

Mark 11:25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

The Greek word = APHIEMI = to send away, to give up, to keep no longer, to let go, to release from obligation…

Reasons to Forgive

1. Jesus commanded us to do so. — If you hold anything against anyone, forgive him… (Mark 11:25).

2. Not doing so hinders your relationship with God. It puts you out of fellowship with Him. — …forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins (Mark 11:25).

3. Because you have experienced God’s grace and forgiveness. — Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you? (Matthew 18:33).

4. It is a powerful way to be like Christ. — Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Colossians 3:13).

5. Forgiving frees you for a restored relationship!

The Keys

1. You give up your perceived right to get even.

• Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. (Romans 12:17).

2. You don’t hold “it” over your partner’s head.

• Love keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5).

3. You try to move ahead constructively with the relationship.

• Love always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:7).

How to Get It Going

• Set an Agenda to work on the issue in question.

• Pray Together for the Lord to bless your time discussing this issue.

• Explore the Pain and Concerns

This is a good place to use the Speaker/Listener Technique for the offended partner to share the hurts.

• Offender Asks for Forgiveness

If applicable, offender gives positive commitment to change recurrent patterns or attitudes that give offense.

• Offended Person Agrees to Forgive

• Both Commit the Issue to the Past

No throwing the issue at the other in a conflict.

• Pray Together for grace to release the issue as a barrier between you both.

James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective.

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In the book Fighting for Your Marriage Rule #1 for the Speaker is stated as follows:

Speak for yourself. Don’t try to be a mind reader. Talk about your thoughts, feelings, and concerns, not your perceptions of the Listener’s point of view or motives. Try to use “I” statements, and talk about your own point of view. “I think you’re a jerk” is not an “I” statement. “I was upset when you forgot our date” is. [page 64]

I. Describing Your Feelings:

There are different levels of communication:

Every human being has emotions, feelings, desires, and needs. Many people, especially males, have difficulty in describing these, because we lack a “feeling” vocabulary. Our German-English culture has tended to suppress and hide feelings. Our language reflects this: The English language has only __1/3___ the number of feeling words that the French language has. As a result, though we have feelings, but they are often unnamed and hidden. Describing your feelings will help in the following ways:

*Describing your feelings can get you to the “real issues.” Feelings are the part of the iceberg that is hidden under the water.

*Describing your feelings will help you channel your emotions in healthy, godly ways. Unnamed feelings will manifest themselves in some manner: anger, “acting out,” depression, psychosomatic illnesses. When we appropriately express our emotions, we “feel better,” and can often get what we need to meet our deep felt needs.

*Describing your feelings gives the Listener a window to your soul: Describing how you feel helps the Listener understand what motivates you, what you desire, and what you really need. The Listener won’t have to mind-read or guess what you need.

Ways to Describe Your Feelings:

*Identify or name it. “I feel insecure.” “I feel abandoned.” “I feel enthusiastic about the progress we are making.”

*Use similes and metaphors. We do not always have enough labels or names to describe our emotions so we sometimes invent what we call similes and metaphors to describe feelings. Examples: “I feel squelched.” “I felt like a cool breeze going through the air.” “I feel lower than a snakes belly in a wagon wheel rut.”

*Report the type of action your feelings urged you to do. “I felt like hugging you.” “I feel like I could hit you.”

*Use figures of speech, such as “The sun is smiling on me today.” “I feel like a dark cloud is following me around today.”

II. Using “I” statements rather than “You” statements:

I statements are sentences that begin with the word “I.” In Ephesians 4:29 the Lord explains to us his purpose for our verbal communication:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

God wants the words you speak to be helpful, encouraging, and beneficial for the listener to hear. “I” statements do not blame or accuse others for your thoughts, feelings, needs or desires. Therefore they are less likely to provoke resistance, anger, or resentment and hence, less likely to hurt the relationship. An I-message is a statement of fact rather than an evaluation and therefore is less likely to lower the Listener’s self-esteem.

Here’s how to break the “You” statement habit:

1. Examine the feeling behind your accusatory “You” statement. Were you hurt? Were you feeling guilty? Resentful? Betrayed? Usually, some primary negative feeling underlies your reacting with a “You” statement.

2. Okay, you got the feeling pinned down? Now express this primary feeling with an “I feel _blank_” statement rather than attacking with a “You” statement.

3. Now follow your “I feel _blank_” statement with a “when” or “because” phrase: “I feel _blank_, when _[such and such occurs]_.”

Use I-messages to:

*Respectfully express your feelings.

*Demonstrate that you are taking responsibility for your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, needs and desires.

*Respectfully confront a person about something he or she has done.

*Request that a need be met or a desire be considered.

*Respectfully ask for something you want.

*Express thanks and appreciation.

Proverbs 15:1 says: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word just stirs up anger.” One of the ways to be gentle in our speech is by using “I” statements rather than “You” statements.

III. Watch Your Body Language:

God understands the importance of body language: “The Lord make His face to shine upon you… The Lord turn His countenance upon you and give you peace” Numbers 6:24-25.

Of a person’s total communication:

The actual words account for only ___7___ percent.

Tone of voice accounts for ___38___ percent.

Body language accounts for ___55___ percent.

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Communication: A Topical Approach from Proverbs

How should we communicate with one another? Here is the wisdom from the book of Proverbs on communication . . .

What would a communication pattern that followed these principles look like? It would look like the Speaker/Listener Technique!

What is the Speaker/Listener Technique?

The Speaker/Listener Technique is a method of communication that forces the speaker and listener to follow a Biblical pattern of communication. The technique is used in the Christian Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program to teach couples how to handle conflict in a Biblical manner. (Christian PREP teaches Biblical skills for handling marriage conflict and preventing divorce.) The Speaker/Listener technique comes by other names: Pass the Ball, Gary Smalley’s feather method of communication, etc.

Essentially the Speaker/Listener Technique is the same pattern that you use when you drive up to McDonald’s to order fast food. You are the speaker and the clerk is the listener. You job is to tell him what you want. His job is to listen carefully and reflect back to you what he hears, so that he knows he has your order correctly:

Listener: “Good morning! Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

Speaker: “Yes, you may. I’d like a cheeseburger, fries, and a chocolate shake.”

Listener: “That was a cheeseburger, fries, and a chocolate shake. What would you like on your cheeseburger?”

Speaker: “I’d like lettuce, pickles, onions, and catsup.”

Listener: “That was lettuce, pickles, onions, and catsup.”

Speaker: “That’s correct.”

Listener: “And what size of fries would you like? Medium or large.”

Speaker: “Large please.”

Listener: “Okay, let me see if I’ve got this: That a cheeseburger with lettuce, pickles, onions, and catsup; a large fry; and a chocolate shake.”

Speaker: “You got it!”

Listener: “That will be $4.35. Please drive around to the first window.”

Rules for the Speaker/Listener Technique

Both

1. Share the floor – One at a time, but take turns.

2. No problem solving – This is discussion only.
Seek first to understand then to be understood.

Speaker

1. Break what you say into short bites – Don’t go on and on.

2. Speak for yourself – No mind reading or assumptions about the other person.

Listener

1. Paraphrase back to the speaker what you hear.

2. Focus on Speaker’s message – Don’t rebut.
Edit out your tendency to respond or disagree – internally and externally.

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Researchers at the University of Denver have identified 4 traits that will destroy a marriage relationship. They have achieved an 95% success rate in predicting if a marriage will succeed or fail based on these four criteria! They call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in marriage. They are:

• Negative Interpretations
  Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. Their perception is worse than reality.
  1 Corinthians 13:7 tells us that we are to “believe all things, hope all things”.
• Escalation
  Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually “upping the ante.” It starts as an argument over laundry and ends with a threat to divorce.
  Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”
• Contempt
  Either body language (rolling eyes) or sarcasm. Painful put-downs. Name calling. Expressions of disrespect.
  Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building up.”
• Withdrawal and Avoidance
  One partner shows an unwillingness to get into or stay with important discussions. It can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as “turning off” during an argument.
  Matthew 5:23-24.

You can find out more about these negative patterns by taking part in a Christian Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (Christian PREP). PREP is based on many years of marital research, and is designed to teach couples the kind of skills and attitudes that are associated with happy and stable marriages. PREP publishes Fighting for Your Marriage books and tapes. The Christian version of the book is called A Lasting Promise.

The research that identifies such negative patterns mirrors a truth clearly expressed in Scripture — there are very clear negative relational patterns that will surely destroy any relationship (e.g. Proverbs 12:18; 15:1; 17:14; 29:22; Matthew 5:22; 7:1-5; Galatians 5:15; Ephesians 4:29; James 1:26; 4:1-3).

1 Peter 3:8-10 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. [10] “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.“

We can hardly imagine a more relevant promise for marriage than verse 10 above. As we make clear above and in all the materials based on PREP, the best predictors of which couples will have successful marriages and which will fail have the most to do with how couples handle conflict. There are other factors that can also be used to predict, but not with the same accuracy.

The good news is this: all couples can learn to communicate and handle problems and disagreements better. Learning these skills can make a huge difference. Research shows that couples can learn communication skills that overcome the dangers signs we have described. And that they can retain them for years, significantly reducing the odds of break up, divorce, and distress. If you are married, you probably need no convincing that learning to effectively deal with issues is important. If you are engaged, you may be thinking “we won’t need that stuff, we get along great.” But marriage is risky, and issues get bigger over time. The specific techniques in PREP can help you keep your marriage vibrant and growing over many years to come.

Ground Rules for Handling Conflict

Romans 12:18. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

There are six powerful Ground Rules that we recommend you agree to use. If you really apply these principles in your life, you will be taking control of the conflicts in your marriage rather than allowing the conflicts to take control of you.

1. Either one can bring up an issue at any time, but the “listener” can say “this is not a good time.” If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future (usually within 24 to 48 hours).
2. When conflict is escalating, we will call a “time out” and either

   • try again using Speaker/Listener Technique OR

   • agree to talk later, using the Speaker/Listener Technique.

Prov. 29:11. A fool gives full vent to anger, but the wise quietly holds it back. (NRSV)

3. When we are having trouble communicating, we will engage the Speaker/Listen Technique.

James 1:19…take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…

4. When using the Speaker/Listener Technique, we will completely separate problem discussion from problem solution.

Prov. 18:13. He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.

5. We will have weekly couple meetings.

6. We will make time for the great things of marriage: fun, friendship, and sensuality. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.

These Ground Rules can have a powerful effect on your marriage if you agree to use them together. You can modify and adapt them to the way your relationship works best. The key is that you have agreements for how you will handle the more difficult and emotional issues that come your way in life. This is crucial. Too many couples go through life feeling as if they are walking in a minefield of marital conflict. They don’t know when the next explosion will come, but they know they can’t let their guard down because it will come.

You do not have to be at the mercy of issues coming up at any moment. You can work together to deal with issues on your terms, and at the times you choose.

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Although conflict existed prior to the fall, this conflict was not negative. There was a oneness and an openness toward one another that we have a hard time understanding today. Genesis 2:24-25 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” While this passage has several applications, it most clearly teaches that Adam and Eve started out with no barriers to intimacy. There was no fear, no negative patterns. They must have had an incredible intimacy. Scripture does not say how long this lasted, but we know that it ended when they sinned. The first thing that Adam and Eve did following their sin was to cover up with fig leaf garments.

Genesis 3:7-8 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.

They hid from each other and they hid from God. What had been great intimacy (including with God) was shattered. Because Adam and Eve now had sin in their heart, their conflict becomes negative. Adam in conflict with God shamefully blames God and his wife. Eve blames the serpent.

Sin in our heart means that our conflict becomes negative. Negative conflicts will happen because we want our own way and make choices to get it. The Bible talks about our selfish desires as the reason for many of our conflicts.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but you don’t get it. (James 4:1-2; emphasis added).

Our selfish desires are at the root of many of our fights with other people. Sinful, self-serving desires often take control of our hearts. Our heart is like a battle field where our selfish desires are at war with what we know is right. Our desires can fool us. We will often think that our selfish desires are right, but if they lead us to disobey God’s Word, then they are wrong! When we give in to them, we often end up in a conflict with someone. Here are some examples of times when you could find yourself in a conflict, if you let your selfish desires rule over you:

• You want to stay up longer, but your parents say you need to go to bed.

• You want to watch the game on TV, but your spouse wants to go out for the evening.

• You want to avoid a person who has hurt you, but the Bible says you should seek reconciliation.

• You want to go outside to play, but your teacher says you need to stay in to do your work.

It is important to note that all desires are not necessarily wrong or the root of conflict. It’s when a desire becomes a demand that trouble begins. The more you make choices in order to get your own way, the more likely you are to have conflict with others. Let’s talk about some specific root causes that can lead to sinful choices, causing conflict in your life.

Root: Pride:
Outcome: You think you are better than others.
You don’t like to be wrong.
Choice: You become defensive and argumentative when someone corrects you.

Root: Greed:
Outcome: You want more, and you are not content with what you have.
Choice: You complain that you don’t have what other people have.
You take things or use things that don’t belong to you.

Root: Fear of others:
Outcome: You are afraid of what others will think of you.
You want too much to be liked and accepted.
You are eager to have other people approve of you and applaud your efforts.
Choice: You won’t tell your friends that you are a Christian because you are afraid that they will think you are strange and reject you.
You go along with your friends, even when you know that what they are doing is wrong, so that they will accept you.
You need constant reassurance that you are doing well.

Root: Fear of failure:
Outcome: You are afraid that you will fail and look foolish, so you resist taking risks to try new things.
Choice: You will not take promotions, because you don’t believe you will succeed.
You will stay home from school on the day you are to give an oral report because you are afraid that people will laugh at what you say.

Root: Selfishness:
Outcome: You want your own way.
Choice: You will argue, nag, whine, lie, and even throw a temper tantrum to try to get people to give in to your desires.

Root: Self-pity:
Outcome: You feel sorry for yourself and you want others to feel sorry for you, too.
Choice: You pout and say, “Nobody has as many chores to do as me!” or “You never let me do anything!” or “Nobody likes me!”
You believe that your lot in life is harder than others have to bear.

Root: Envy:
Outcome: You want what others have.
You are not content with what you have.
Choice: If your sister gets a new shirt, then you want one as well.
You make fun of your brother because he gets good grades and yours aren’t as good.
You spend huge amounts of time earning money to get what others have.
You run up a huge debt to “have things.”

Root: Jealousy:
Outcome: You are afraid of losing the love or friendship of someone special if that person pays attention to someone else.
Choice: You become angry at your friend for inviting another friend to go skating. You try to do everything you can to break up their friendship.
You envy the relationships that other people seem to have, but you are unable to find.

Root: Laziness:
Outcome: You want to do only what pleases you.
You resist responsibility.
Choice: You refuse to do your chores or schoolwork.
You sit and watch TV instead of doing something constructive.

Root: Boredom:
Outcome: You want someone to entertain you.
Choice: You mope around the house, complaining that you don’t have anything to do. You try to put the responsibility on other people for thinking of things that you could do with your time.

If you allow your selfish desires to control you, you will often make wrong choices, and your life may be filled with conflict.

The good news is that even though sinful desires are rooted in your heart, you don’t have to act on those desires. You can ask the Lord to forgive you for loving your selfish desires more than you love Him, and then ask Him to help you to do what is right according to His Word. Then you will please the Lord, and that is always a good choice. Look at 1 John 1:9.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

If your desire is to please God, He will forgive your sinful desires, and help you to make good choices. By doing so, you can avoid much unnecessary conflict. He can even give you a new desire to please him, one that brings him honor and glory. Pray that God will give you that desire.

Applicable Bible Stories
Analyze the conflict situations in the following passages.
What is the root of each conflict?

Cain’s response to Abel (Genesis 4:1-8)

Abram and Lot (Genesis 13:1-12)

Saul keeping the sheep (1 Samuel 15:1-26)

The fiery furnace (Daniel 3:1-30)

Ahab and Nabal’s vineyard (1 Kings 21:1-16)

Gideon’s fleece (Judges 6:11-27)

Elijah (1 Kings 19:1-18)

The man in Proverbs 6:6-11

Judas (John 12:1-6; Matthew 26:14-16)

Simon the Sorcerer (Acts 8:9-24)

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Class Assumptions About Conflict

1. In this life, conflict is inevitable.

2. Conflict is not bad in and of itself. How we handle conflict can be bad.

3. Conflicts are caused by our sin, by desires, and differences in gender or personality.

4. Most conflict is not dealt with openly, because most people have never been taught effective ways of resolving conflict.

5. Conflict provides opportunity for growth in a relationship.

6. Unresolved conflicts interfere with growth and satisfying relationships.

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Session 1

Session 2

Session 3

Session 4

Session 5

Session 6

Session 7

(This is an essay which originally appeared on Alan Marshall’s web site and is used with his permission.)

Sex in Today’s Culture

The changes in society’s attitudes to love, sex and marriage in the last few decades requires the church to review its position, and to defend or update its teaching as it examines our culture with the light of scripture and the Holy Spirit. One fundamental question that must be revisited concerns what it actually is that constitutes a marriage. Should it be defined as a sexual union, or as a covenant? If it is a sexual union, does sex carry responsibilities, even if no covenant has been made? If it is a covenant, what period does it cover? Is it for life? Does it cover life leading up to it, as well as life after it is made?

The predominant view of our culture is that marriage is a covenant of sexual faithfulness, excluding other sexual relationships only while it is in force. There is therefore nothing inherently wrong with pre-marital sex, from a legal viewpoint, as it does not break the marriage covenant. As christians, we may rightly argue that pre-marital sex is unwise, in that it may reduce one’s capacity for intimacy with one’s future marriage partner. However if we accept this definition, we will have difficulty explaining why it is wrong in an absolute sense. Others will see us as out of step with the majority view in contemporary western culture that pre-marital sex is useful in testing a relationship prior to making a long-term commitment. Contemporary culture still tends to see marital infidelity as wrong, but sees pre-marital sex as something quite different.

Marriage in the Old Testament

As christians we cannot accept this view of sex before marriage. It is clear from the scriptures that God’s ideal for his people is that they marry as virgins. From the scriptures we must say that marriage is more than a covenant of sexual faithfulness for a period of time. We should say that marriage ideally means sexual faithfulness for all time, both before and after any public ceremony? This is what it meant before the fall, when marriage and sexual union were equivalent.

The seventh commandment explicitly forbids adultery, but it is clear it covers a broad range of sexual sin. I believe the Old Testament law as a whole was designed to enforce the purity of marriage. Adulterers were put to death (Leviticus 20:20), so in theory there were no second marriages. Similarly wives were put to death if found not to be virgins (Deuteronomy 22:21-22). Finally, couples who engage in sex, but are not covenanted to marry (each other or others), are required to marry each other (Exodus 22:16-17). The effect of the law, if fully implemented, was to ensure that no woman had a sexual relationship with more than one living man. For the woman at least, this made marriage and sexual union equivalent. This understanding dates from the dawn of time. That its application precedes the Law of Moses is illustrated by Jacob, later called Israel, who accepted Leah as his wife after unintended sexual union (Genesis 29:16-30).

Of course, the practice of polygamy meant that a man could have a one-flesh relationship with more than one woman, but Jesus shows us that this was not God’s design from the beginning, and the early church forbade it.

I know other explanations for the above scriptures are possible, but I don’t find them are as satisfying or coherent as the explanation I have offered.

The Old Testament therefore provides us with a powerful answer to the question of why pre-marital sex is wrong. Surprisingly, the answer is that the term is something of a misnomer. Should we think of it as technical marriage, or pre-marital marriage? Even the briefest relationship constitutes a meeting of body and soul in “one-flesh” (cf. 1 Corinthians 6:16). A distinction can however be made between “pre-marital sex” and marriage. If the former lacks the intent to form a lasting family unit, then it does not (yet) have the blessing of God. But it is toying with the very foundation of the marriage bond, and to trivially enter and exit such relationships is to devalue, even blaspheme, marriage.

The Nature of Marriage

From the beginning, marriage has involved not just sexual union, but a commitment that has the blessing of God. In the first account of creation, in Genesis 1, this blessing came directly from God. In subsequent generations it comes through parents, the church, and the community. Genesis 1 speaks of man, woman and marriage as follows:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” (Genesis 1:27-28).

Among the writings of the church fathers, whose ability to help us understand scripture should not be under-estimated, is a treatise of marriage by Clement. His understanding of marriage would seem to echo the above scripture, and his definition is as follows:

Marriage is the first conjunction of man and woman for the procreation of legitimate children. (Stromata / On Marriage)

The phrase “legitimate children” recognises that marriage is more than a sexual union. It recognises that marriage is a sexual relationship with a purpose, with a sense of permanence, a sense of the approval of God and hopefully the approval of the community, and an expectation of raising children.

The second account of creation, in Genesis 2, is somewhat fuller. In speaking of man, woman and marriage, it agrees with the account from chapter 1, but puts it slightly differently:

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’, for she was taken out of man.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:23-25)

The phrases “flesh of my flesh” and “one flesh” are similar. The first phrase would seem to denote a genetic or family kinship, the kind we are born (or created) into, over which we have no control. The second phrase refers to the marriage bond, where two live as one, and to the sexual act which both symbolises and nurtures this bond. Marriage is therefore another kind of kinship, voluntarily entered into, but just as strong as the family bond.

This is the text that Jesus refers to in their teaching on marriage and divorce (Matthew 19:3-12). It is clear Jesus regards the marriage bond as binding as the family bond. While it can be argued that both family and marriage bonds can be disrupted or severed by extraordinary circumstances, Jesus makes clear that that if one renounces a marriage out of selfishness with a view to marrying another, that God does not regard the second marriage as valid. This text is also that which Paul refers to his teaching on marriage (Ephesians 5:25-33), where he emphasises the relational aspect, and in his teaching on immorality (1 Corinthians 6:9-20), where he emphasises the sexual aspect.

A marriage is a valid family unit, whether or not it produces children. Nevertheless, both God’s blessing and the marriage covenant have a view to reproduction and the extension of the Kingdom of God (Genesis 1:28, Malachi 2:15).

Restoration Though Christ

While God’s ideal is that his people marry as virgins, we must accept that for many new converts in New Testament times, and perhaps most new converts in our own libertine age, this will not be the case.

Jesus forgave the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11). While his words treat the matter seriously, it seems that the purity of marriage is not to be enforced in the manner it was in the Old Testament. If it were to be enforced, then not only would adulterers be executed, but rape victims would have to marry those who molested them, or else remain single (Deuteronomy 22:29).

The restoration of sexual purity, through Christ, is alluded to in the Old Testament itself. Israel had been spiritually unfaithful, but God said:

I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel. (Jeremiah 31:3-4)

We all fall short of God’s ideal (it is called sin) and many fall short in the sexual area of their lives. In the New Testament the remedy is Christ, appropriated through repentance, faith and baptism. It is clear that, at baptism, one is cleansed from the sins of the body (1 Corinthians 6:9-11, Hebrews 10:22). And even after baptism, sexual sin can be forgiven where there is genuine repentance (Revelation 2:20-22, Psalm 51). However repentance must be in deed, and not just in word, and baptism washes away sins but does not wash away our responsibility to others (Luke 3: 7-8,19:8).

Pastoral Implications

Well, how do I think the church should apply this understanding of marriage in a European culture as we enter the third millennium?

When a person becomes a christian, the blood of Christ cleanses them from every stain of their sexual past. This includes not only what we refer to as pre-marital sex, but to divorce as well, even where they have been the unfaithful partner. For in both situations, a sexual bond has been established and later broken. Jesus refers to both scenarios with the one Greek word “porneia”, which we translate as “sexual immorality” (Mark 7:21), or “adultery” (Mark 10:19).

However in both cases the church has to ask whether once sins are forgiven, whether obligations remain.

Divorce

Let us first look at the question of divorce, as it is the area of application that has received the most attention.

In the case of a new convert who was the innocent party in a divorce (ie. where it was their partner who was unfaithful), most teachers today would accept that they are permitted to remarry. There was some confusion in the early church over what appeared to them as a discrepancy in Jesus teaching on divorce when comparing Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 with Mark 10:11. My view is simply that Mark is typically briefer. At any rate, the teachers of greatest substance in the early church, among them Clement, Tertullian and Augustine, regarded the “exception clause”, in which unfaithfulness is given as a ground for divorce, as Jesus’ words. It is not clear that they understood Jesus to permit remarriage. Luther and the reformers, however, had no difficulty in seeing Jesus words as permitting remarriage for the innocent party. In this they concur with the Jewish Hillel school of thought with whom Jesus, in responding to the question from the Pharisees in Matthew 19, also seems to be in agreement.

If the innocent party is permitted remarriage, this does not mean that they should rush to do so. They first need to forgive their former partners, and should first seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit as to whether the marriage is truly finished, or whether they should attempt reconciliation.

In the case where the new convert has been the unfaithful one, he¹ must be prepared to consider reconciliation with his former partner, whether she is a believer or not. A divorce certificate is not to be considered fait-accompli. It does not in this circumstance have any standing with God (Matthew 5:32-33). What does count is repentance (John 4:16-18). However, if his former partner is not interested in reconciliation, then the marriage is finished and he, washed from his sins and born-again, is free to find another.

This leaves the case of mature christians who divorce. If we are to do justice to Jesus teaching, we must do everything to discourage divorce, except where there has been unfaithfulness. Even then, the guilty party should be encouraged to repent, and the innocent party to forgive.

Abandonment is another legitimate ground for divorce, because after a certain time it can be considered akin to unfaithfulness. A christian who has sought to save their marriage, and has then been left by their christian partner, has the right, once all hope of reconciliation is lost, to find someone else.

The partner who has done the leaving is however in a much more difficult situation. While there are undoubtedly some very unhappy situations which I do not wish to judge, for the most part people leave their partners because they believe they can be happier if they find someone new. This selfishness must be called sin, and must not be rewarded by remarriage, at least not while the innocent party is still alone, and desiring reconciliation.

De-Facto Relationships

If a new convert is living in a de-facto relationship, I do not think that he (or she) should be automatically instructed to separate. I know this is contrary to the practice of some churches, but the boundary between de-facto relationships is blurred, and each case requires wisdom from the Holy Spirit.

The wishes of the partner of the new convert should be taken into account (1 Corinthians 7:12-15). If she (or he) wants to remain in the relationship, then she must accept that her partner now has obligations to God as well as to her. She must be willing for the union to publicly receive God’s blessing at a marriage ceremony – otherwise the relationship is untenable. If on the other hand she wishes to leave, the new convert has no further obligation, and is free to marry another, provided that she shares his new faith (1 Corinthians 7:39).

Pre-Marital Sex

To complete this essay, I will return to my starting point, and put forward a christian model for dealing with “pre-marital sex”.

In the case of new converts, our main concern is with de-facto relationships, and I have covered this in the above section. In the case of young men and women within the church who fall into pre-marital sex, we need them to understand that it is playing with the real thing. It is damaging to the marriage commitment they will one day make. For this reason, if they are already old enough to marry, and their parents and church consider them compatible, they should consider whether that is the best option. In other cultures today, particularly those where parents are central to the selection of partners, there would be an obligation to marry similar to that in the Old Testament. While this does not mean it is the right decision in every case, it does indicate time-tested wisdom that is generally believed to be in the interests of the community and the individuals concerned.

Therefore, if the couple desire a future together, and if they are of legal age (16, see section below), and if they have the blessing of their families and church, then let them marry, or plan to marry in a year or so if a delay would help.

On the other hand, if they do not desire a future together, let them acknowledge their failure to each other and to their parents or pastor. We should not view them as bound by divine law to one another, for without approval from their families and pastor, it is difficult to see how their union has God’s blessing. Instead, they should be allowed to find God’s forgiveness. The period in their lives when young people are coming to terms with sexual desires is the same period in which many are forming their views of life. It is the period during which many, though raised in a christian family, affirm the faith for themselves. Their situation is not that different from that of new converts. For some it may be appropriate, if they have not already been baptised, to seek this prior to marriage to a third party. The power of baptism to wash the body clean through the blood of Christ is under-estimated.

Sex Education and Other Practical Advice

The foundation of christian sex education is to teach children why pre-marital sex is wrong, as discussed above. Having laid that foundation above, I now move on to a broader range of considerations.

We can no longer expect society to strongly link marriage and sex. Much of society has come to view sex as, at best, a fulfilling of physical and emotional needs (a true but incomplete view), or at worst, mere recreation. Society tells children that “safe sex” means precautions to prevent the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases. In the past, society recognised STD’s as an indicator that the order of creation was being violated, but modern medicine has allowed society to blind itself to this, much as the invention of the contraceptive pill (which I am not opposed to) has blinded society to the natural link between sex and blessings and responsibilities of parenthood.

However, christian education that focuses on STD’s is misguided. An approach like that of the organisation “True Love Waits” is excellent, focusing on the blessings of remaining faithful to God’s design. I like the name of that organisation, because it is a theme repeated over and over in the Song of Songs (2:7, 3:5, 8:4). Likewise, Jacob waited seven years for Rachel, but “they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her” (Genesis 29:20).

Peer pressure is of course enormous. A strong antidote to this is to ensure that the majority of their peers are from christian families. While I have mixed feelings about christian schools as we currently know them, I recognise their value in this regard. I know there is playground talk in all schools, but the point is that most of the children at christian schools are “holy” (1 Corinthians 7:14). They are children of the Kingdom.

The other pressure that adolescents face is that of waiting. God made young men and women sexually mature and ready to reproduce from age 13-16, and 11-14, respectively. Yet increasingly we expect them to continue their education to the tertiary stage, not being capable of earning an income or supporting a family till they are age 20-24. To adolescents who have newly discovered their sexual drive, this must seem like an eternity. I believe in such circumstances that early marriage is an option in line with scripture (1 Corinthians 7:9) and historical practice. I believe the law in some states is wrong in setting the age for marriage (18) above the age of consent (16), and I applaud those young christian couples who have successfully challenged this at local court.

The Greatest Commandment

Jesus confirmed that the greatest commandment is to love God, and the second greatest is to love one’s neighbour. On these commandments “hang all the law and the prophets” (Matthew 22:40). Neither Jesus nor Paul gives us a licence to ignore God’s commands. But neither wants us to be prisoners to the law. As a church let us uphold his standards, even when in the world’s eyes they may seem foreign. But let us do so with Christ’s compassion, in a way that promotes love of God and love of one another, a way that is life-affirming (John 10:10).

Acknowledgements:

All quotations of the scriptures, unless otherwise stated, are from the New International Version (Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, MI, USA), 1984.

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¹ Wherever the male pronoun is used, it should be understood to apply equally to the females.

Who would have thought that men loving real women was a sign of Christian cultural progress? But in tracing views of love from the ancient period through the middle ages and the Reformation, we find just that.

In the golden era of ancient Greek thought, Socrates, said he was “in love with two objects—Alcibiades, son of Clinias, and philosophy.”¹ Socrates’ homosexual enchantment with Alcibiades elsewhere provokes teasing: “Where have you come from Socrates? No doubt from pursuit of the captivating Alcibiades. . . . He’s actually growing a beard.” Socrates replies, “What of it? Aren’t you an enthusiast for Homer, who says that the most charming age is that of the youth with his first beard, just the age of Alcibiades now?”² Socrates elsewhere explains the excitement young men give him, as well as the erotic experience he once gained from seeing inside the cloak of a young male. Alcibiades himself tells of a particular attempt to seduce Socrates one night, and though they slept in the same bed, Socrates restrained his lusts and received praise for his self-control.³ K.J. Dover notes that, “We encounter Socrates in a strongly homosexual ambience; some of Plato’s earlier dialogues are set in the gymnasium, Socrates’ youthful friends are commonly—one might say normally—in love with boys, and he fully accepts these relationships.”⁴

But the story is mixed. Socrates himself was also married, and both Plato and Aristotle later condemn homosexuality on the grounds that it is unnatural. Yet the homosexual themes are always strong in Ancient Greece, and not just among philosopher types. A long Greek tradition recognized the homosexual relationship between Achilles and Patroclus in the Iliad, among others.

Yet there is something distinctly favorable to homosexuality within Platonism. Matter was, of course, the arch enemy of Platonism; it infected human souls and hindered them from direct contact with the most real world of the Forms. Women were intellectually inferior and “mating” with them introduced more matter into the world—”those whose procreancy is of the body turn to woman as the object of their love, and raise a family. . . . But those whose procreancy is of the spirit rather than of the flesh. . . bear the things of the spirit.”⁵ So creative thinkers who copulated with men not only connected with more rational (and therefore more beautiful) persons, but they also didn’t introduce any more nasty matter into the cosmos—”their communion [is] even more complete, than that which comes of bringing children up, because they have created something lovelier and less mortal than human seed.”⁶

With the ascent of Christianity and its love of creation and its divine condemnations of sodomy, we find a natural and welcome tension developing in the medieval period between Greek thought and Christianity. Both are intertwined, but slowly Christianity sheds much of the Platonism that had been tacked onto it by some of the fathers. And we find the growing literary and philosophical pursuit of women taking prominence. But the pursuit is still a little strained; unashamed philosophical love for women hasn’t taken command yet among the literary-philosophical types (though it was robust among real people). So we find such halfway notions as “courtly love,” where a man can unashamedly pursue a woman (contrary to the Platonists), but only as an ideal. Dante’s love for the flesh-and-blood Beatrice, even in his later maturity, remains an ideal, just south of the virgin Mary. The remnants of Platonism make a very comfortable place for the ideal of virginity. Yet the fact that Dante loves a woman is a wonderful sign of Christian progress.

But it would take the struggle of the Reformation to complete Dante’s path. Roman Catholics at the time of the Reformation were noted for such claims as: “For there is no service in the world more pleasing to God, no way of life more loved by him, than total virginity of body and mind.”⁷ A common sort of Protestant reply was given by Kettenback, a Franciscan convert during the Reformation, “You [papists] say, `Marriage is a sacrament,’ but then you go on to reckon the spiritual fruit of virginity to be a hundredfold, that of widowhood sixtyfold, and that of marriage thirtyfold. . . . I reckon the spiritual fruit of marriage to be a hundredfold, that of monks and nuns [the equivalent of] three ripe pears.”⁸

One of the best and most positive statements of the Christian drive to love real women comes from a Puritan-sort, John Milton. He takes to task both the Courtly-lovers and pious-Platonists, preferring a good, Protestant love for a real, womanly body and mind. He has no place for the fictions of courtly love: “Here Love his gold shaft employs. . . . not in the bought smile / Of Harlots, loveless, joyless, unendeared,/ Casual fruition, nor in Court Amours / Mixt Dance, or wanton Masque, or Midnight Ball,/ Or Serenade, which the starv’d Lover sings.”⁹ And he gives no place to those Christians compromised with Platonic idealizations of virginity: “Whatever Hypocrites austerely talk / Of purity and place and innocence, / Defaming as impure what God declares / Pure, and commands to some, leaves free to all. . . . / Hail to wedded love, . . . / Founded in Reason, Loyal, Just, and Pure, / Far be it, that I should write thee sin or blame, / Or think thee unbefitting holiest place, / Perpetual Fountain of Domestic sweet, / Whose bed undefil’d and chaste pronounc’t”¹⁰

So we can indeed hail the Puritans for giving us sexual liberation. And when next you embrace your naked spouse unashamedly, remember the great strides you mark in the long millennial, antithetical struggle for loving a real woman—oh, the joys of Christian apologetics!

Footnotes:

¹ Gorgias, 481d— E. Hamilton & H. Cairns, ed., Plato: The Collected Dialogues (Princeton, NJ: Princeton Univ. Press, 1985) p. 265.

² Protagoras, 309a—Ibid.

³ Symposium, 217aff—Ibid.

⁴ K.J. Dover, Greek Homosexuality (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1989) p. 154.

⁵ Symposium, 209a—Hamilton, Plato.

⁶ Ibid., 209cd.

⁷ Cited in Steven Ozment, When Fathers Ruled (Cambridge, MA: Harvard Univ. Press, 1983) p. 10.

⁸ Cited ibid., p. 31.

⁹ John Milton, Paradise Lost, Bk. IV, 765.

¹⁰ Ibid.

This article was taken from Credenda magazine/Agenda Vol. 10, No. 2. Used by permission.